After several years of marriage and several failed relationships before and after my first marriage, these were the two questions that permeated my mind. I no longer wanted to get into a relationship just to have someone to spend my days with, or to coddle my insecurities of being alone. I was looking for a mate that suited every area of my life. In the first half of this post I will share with you the steps I took to prepare myself, along with what I feel were the contributing factors the led me to find my ultimate love. In the second part of this post I will discuss how to keep the flame going and the keys to deepening your relationship.
Finding my ultimate love
In my early twenties I read an article about twin flame relationships, the article left me spinning with countless thoughts running through my mind. To sum up the article, a twin flame relationship is a deeper more stable relationship, the depth of the connection allows you to be psychically joined with your mate. Twin flames tend to be exactly like each other, same drives and motivations in life. At the time, the partner that I was with was a wonderful person and offered me all the support I could ever ask for however, I knew that she and I were not perfectly aligned to experience what I was reading about. Deep within me I just felt that my perfect partner was out there somewhere but I resolved that maybe I just wasn’t meant to meet her, so I set down the notion and carried on with my life.
By the age thirty-six I was alone, without a partner, and stuck in a dark place within myself. I couldn’t even fathom the idea of asking a girl out during that time of my life. I had finally come to the point where I knew I was the problem in my relationships. A healthy dose of honesty with myself, was long overdue.
I felt I was unlovable, and my insecurities kept me from staying single, being alone was not an option for me. Being in a relationship made me feel safe, even if that meant being with the wrong person. As fast as I got out of a relationship I would jump right into another one, never taking the time to heal or reflect on what each relationship had offered me.
I decided I needed to take the time to heal myself, and to reflect on all the relationships in my life. For several months I spent my evenings alone reflecting. I started with my early relationships and worked my way forward. I made peace with each one and most importantly, I looked for the common threads within each of my past relationships. There were patterns of behavior that repeated over and over from one relationship to the next, so my reflections proved to be insightful and therapeutic for me. By seeing the patterns, I was able to identify the key areas that needed to be looked at, and from there I could trace back a motivation to my behaviors.
This is an exercise that you can do anytime in your life, you don’t have to be single or in a bad place to find benefit from it. Prior to this point in my life I had undergone a great deal of searching and study into spirituality, I felt I had somewhat of an understanding of who I am below the surface of my mind, now all I needed was to come back to the surface and dig a bit. Looking back, it all feels very important and relevant work I needed to do in preparation to meet my ultimate love.
During all of my past relationships, I projected my problems onto my partners. Often what I thought was my partner’s problem was really my problem, a deep issue I was having with myself. I needed to heal and tend to my problems, so that I didn’t keep repeating the same relationship. I wanted to be ready to attract a partner that was truly meant for me. The partner I used to be could not live in my current relationship, and thank goodness for that!
The next step is that I stopped looking, my theory was the right person will come along at the right time for me. This felt like a much healthier mindset to keep, never before had I been capable of doing that. I learned to be comfortable in my own place, doing my own thing. If you can’t be good on your own, out of a relationship, you can’t be good in a relationship. I wanted to be attracted to my next partner because I genuinely liked her, not because I needed to be in a relationship. That helps to remove the possibility of falling into a co-dependent relationship, which all of my past relationships had been on my part. When I stopped looking for a girlfriend I also got rid of my “list.” I had done away with requirements my next partner had to meet. I felt it was important to come my new relationship needing nothing from my new partner. We all have needs, that’s obvious, when you’re with the right person you will never have to fight for your needs, your partner will do that for you. My wife is a perfect example of that!
The last step was I asked God with 100% conviction to send me my ultimate love. I was finally clear in heart, mind and in spirit. I don’t really think it matters how you ask, what I feel is most important is that you set a clear intention. I did my work, asked when I was ready, and had a laser sharp intention and the result for me was that the very next day I met my future wife.
Cultivating a deeper relationship
Before I met my wife, I dreamed that the next relationship I entered into would be a relationship that was based on love, respect and dedication to our own individual growth. This kind of partnership takes two willing participants, only if both are committed to this idea will it work. For years I tried to drag my previous partners along with me but my path in life was not theirs, and this only caused conflict in the end.
My relationship with my wife is the third most important relationship in my life, my first and second is with God and myself. This is very important for a deeper and more sacred relationship with another. Love for self is paramount. When I don’t love myself, I’m a loss to my partner, I know this because it happens from time to time. When I don’t take care of myself I become a jerk. My connection to God is also a very important factor to me as well. Taking time to have communion with God strengthens my ability to love my wife more, and the cool thing about that is when you love someone including yourself, your connection with God grows.
During my relationship with my wife I have taken the time to ask and learn how she needs to be loved. In my past relationships my love was selfish, I loved my partners the way I wanted to love, and the way I needed love. In a deeper relationship it’s very important to not only love the way your partner needs it, but to also love unconditionally. Love for no reason, and love without needing anything in return, this type of love has more depth and potency to it.
I never withhold my love from my wife. If my wife behaves in a manner that triggers me, this is a perfect opportunity to love her more. The hardest moments to love your partner is really when they need it the most, they need your patience, compassion, and understanding. That is love in motion. Since I have been capable of doing this for my partner, what I find is that more often than not, the problem dissolves very swiftly. Another point worth mentioning is, I don’t make my partner’s upsets my own, by one of us staying calm we have the resources to see a solution much faster. It’s only my ego that ever wants another to fight or be angry along with me.
When I first met my wife there was a sense of wonder I felt in her presence, that wonder has never left me. The reason is because I make it a daily practice to get to know my partner more, and not to assume I know what she’s all about. I look at my wife like I’ve never laid eyes on her, this allows me to see her more clearly. I see her beauty constantly and I learn more about her in the process. From moment to moment we are new, we learn and grow every day, so I look to see how my partner has become more beautiful on a daily basis. There is an old saying that says “familiarity breeds contempt.” this is so true in relationships. By looking at my partner with fresh eyes daily, I found that I don’t place false labels on her. It’s all too easy to place a label on your partner and hold them to it long after they have outgrown it. There is nothing loving about doing that to your partner.
My wife and I communicate everything, there is nothing we hide from one another. I don’t read her email or facebook, but if I wanted or needed to, I know I could. We have our own lives, but within our lives nothing is too private for each other. We look for ways to improve our communication with one another, for example, we try to see things from each others point of view. It’s all too easy to just see your own perspective.
We have learned how to have fun with each other in just about any situation. We both know if we get too serious, that seriously screws up a good time! When we stop having fun and start getting frustrated with one another, we never wait to say sorry to each other. In my past relationships I would become cold and silent to try to get my point across. The silent treatment is counterproductive to a relationship. If either one of us gets frustrated we voice what’s going on in our minds as soon as we are able to.
Vulnerability lives very comfortably in a deeper relationship.
I have learned how to be genuine and honest with my wife. I don’t hide my true feelings, I have the courage to voice what I feel inside. Along with being genuine with my wife, I no longer keep secret desires. Our secret desires are the wants we have that we seldom express. In my past relationships, I would sit back wishing and hoping for my partner to read my mind, only to be let down or angry later when it didn’t happen.
In my relationship with my wife we take time for intimacy, we never allow the time we need for intimacy to take a back seat to the busyness of our life. Talking, touching, holding and lovemaking is important to our relationship, our healthy sex life keeps the fire burning between us. We have learned how to balance what it takes to maintain a sex life.
At the beginning and end of every day we want and give the best we can to each other. Some days I only have 20% to give while other days I have 180%, we don’t keep score and we both find great joy in giving to each other. We are committed and faithful to each other. Early in our relationship we eliminated anything that threatened to diminish the connection we share. Each day is new for us and we are still learning more about ourselves and each other. My relationship is beyond what I ever dreamed it could be, and I can only dream as to how amazing it will be as we grow old together.
There is a great deal of information about twin flame relationships online if you are interested about learning more about them.
Here is a list of suggested reading
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